In the last article I wrote about my husband’s recent heart surgery, and how it brought out my “fixer” — the shadow side of many healers. Healers and caregivers of all kinds stray into the “FIXER” mode when we push or force our agenda, our beliefs or modalities onto someone.

soul-workThe underlying assumption or belief is that they are not capable of helping themselves, that they are somehow “broken” and need us to “fix” them. We lose our trust in their divine process, and try to manage or control outcomes that we would prefer.

Struggling with the aftermath of his heart attack, the more I made suggestions of all the changes we needed to implement, the more he resisted. As I began to dive into my own self-healing I uncovered that I was terrified that if I stopped trying to help him, that I was, in effect, letting him die, and also terrible guilt that I had somehow “failed to save him.

Healer, Heal Thyself

When the deep fear and guilt hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew I needed to go deeper into what my responsibility truly is, as a wife, a healer, a friend and partner.

I meditated on the question “so truly what is my responsibility then?”

The answer came back crystal clear: “My “SOUL” responsibility is only ever to tend to my own alignment to Source Light and Love… then radiating that (Creator or God essence, that divine energetic possibility) for all who CHOOSE to receive it.

This has become a core teaching for me, and now all of my clients as I see it playing out in so many ways of inappropriately taking on responsibility for others in such a way as to create much suffering and shame.

How I am “Tending My Own Alignment”

Meditate and Send Reiki

This is pretty much always my first step. I sit, quiet my mind and use Reiki healing. In Reiki Level II we learn how to send distant Reiki, or Universal Life Force energy, to ourselves, others and even situations. It has been an invaluable tool to shift my own mental/emotional state, and to clear any underlying causes that are creating the challenging circumstances.

Reiki is also integral to helping me receive intuitive clarity and guidance on the situation. Sending Reiki is applying the highest vibration, or universal life force to smooth the edges and heal or “whole” the situation. It allows me to experience that wholeness, which is the opposite of broken and needing fixing.

I am reminded that there is so much more than physical healing. Reiki increases my sense of, and trust in, the healing or “wholing” process; that innate and inevitable movement toward experiencing ourselves as complete and whole on all levels. This is often the higher purpose of many of our life challenges: to recognize the wounded, fragmented parts of ourselves, and allow them to come back into a fuller and richer harmony.

Silence and Mantra Repetition

My mom used to say, “don’t add fuel to the fire.” Faced with a wall of resistance, In order to help shift my energy away from” helpful, bordering on critical and fearful”, I practiced several days of silence to allow myself to go inward. I was careful not to do it from a place of shutting myself down (repression), or punishing him (aka “the silent treatment”) but a place of finding my own stillness and serenity, and thus allowing him some reprieve, and silent support.

Ask for Help

One of the most important strengths to cultivate is to know when to ask for help. Thanks to a lot of coaching training, I no longer view this as a weakness, but actually as the quickest and most skillful way through a challenge.

So when friends offered help, especially in areas I am not strong in, like regular exercise, or more knowledgeable in nutrition, I accepted whole-heartedly. I knew that I couldn’t be all things for my husband, especially now.

I also got lots of energy healing and coaching help to stay out of fear and to feel truly seen and heard, when my partner, understandably overwhelmed with his own crisis, wasn’t able to do that for me. Instead of focusing on what he was or was not doing, I needed to model self-love and nurturing, not just talk about it. My new plan of action to support my husband: taking great care of MYSELF so I could stay balanced and happy.

Empowerment & Celebration

I consciously shifted away from seeing him as sick and resistant, to holding him as powerful … no matter what. I practiced thinking and feeling that he was capable of making the necessary changes… and speaking this to him: YOU GOT THIS!

I also focused more on noticing what is working… and celebrating any and all movement in the right direction. Baby steps taken consistently lead to big changes. It is also so much easier for all of us to make a change from a positive space, isn’t it?

And I am doing this for myself often, reminding myself that I am always in control of the most important thing—tending to my direct connection to Source through all the myriad energy alchemy tools I have in my toolkit.

One of the reasons this works is that we are connecting with the Truth of Who We Are. On a subatomic level we are not solid, but vast expanses of space, filled with conscious energy in the form of light waves.

“I fully connect with Source Light and Love now”.


Even as I write this I can feel a strong soothing energy flooding down my body. Try it!

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