Three months after my beloved Teacher in doggie form, Suki, left her body, I found myself still feeling an enormous ache in my heart whenever I thought of her. I knew enough to realize that how we feel is a choice, usually based on a belief. As a healer and dedicated spiritual practitioner for over two decades, I wondered why it was still so painful for me.

So I sat and meditated on this…why was I choosing to hold onto this pain for so long? I knew with great certainty that nothing dies, and I was able to directly connect to her Spirit. So why was I in such heart-break?

Sometimes it is the right question that brings the huge “AHA! Moment.” Answer: I felt the sadness every time because I “believed” that it was a more tangible experience of my connection to her.

In other words, if I let go of the pain of loss, I worried that I may let go of my final connectedness. I was relating with my beloved pet through this heavy emotion, pain, because it felt real and tangible. If I let go of the pain, I worried that I was letting go of my last real feelings of Suki. Breakthrough!

Pain, loss, grief, missing, these are all very heavy, dense, lower vibrational emotions and energies. Translation– they are easier to “feel” and therefore we tag them as more “real”. The higher, faster frequencies of love, cherishing, gratitude, celebration, are much lighter, finer vibrations; therefore not as easy to grasp.

In short, we hold onto our connection to our loved ones in Spirit through the painful emotions, because they feel more real than the love. Wow! I was shocked that I was still doing this. But there it was. I was afraid to let go of the pain because I wasn’t sure I would “feel” Suki anymore. Therefore, the strength of my connection to her was being defined internally by the degree of pain I still felt when I thought of her!!!

In that moment I made a decision. I did not want to experience Suki through the veil of loss and grief. I longed to feel her as she was in her doggy body—joyful, vibrant, sage, and more than a little bossy. I didn’t want to diminish either of us by masking the incredible, but sometimes more ethereal, feelings of love and lightness and merging hearts with a heavier experience just because it was easier to hold.

It took more effort to clear the debris of loss of the physical presence, all the “what-ifs” and guilt that I didn’t do enough, in order to experience the expansion of her consciousness and the merge of the heart that was happening very subtly if I allowed it.

This may still sound very academic at this point—mind-numbingly so if you are in an active grief state. So how can we begin to shift our awareness from the enormous ache of loss to this subtler, finer experience of love and unity consciousness? Here are some keys that will begin to open the door to connecting to our loved ones without feeling pain.

Step 1. Being in the Present

Much of our struggles exist because our attention is going back to the past or into the future. Carolyn Myss, the well-known medical intuitive, states that this is the main reason why we can’t heal ourselves. Our “soul” or consciousness is not fully accessible as it is attached to past events or future worries and thus fragmented. Therefore a current intention is not very powerful as much of our energy and attention is not aligned in the present.

Exercise: Sit quietly, close your eyes and bring your focus to your body. Just notice what sensations you feel when you apply this simple technique to collect your energy into present time.

Say aloud: “I call all of my thoughts, emotions, and energies back into the Present Moment now.” Breathe deeply several times.

Step 2. Releasing the Sadness and Grief

Making a shift always starts with intention. When you shift how you think about something, your feelings will follow suit. This is an aspect of the Law of Attraction, or the universal principle that “like attracts like.” Much of our beliefs are operating on a subconscious level, and so we experience the fruits of that thinking without knowing we have somewhere accepted a certain belief or concept about the way things are.

Begin by setting the intention to release or let go of the pain and sadness as the way to stay connected to a loved one.

Try this: “I release any energies, thoughts, feelings and concepts that no longer serve my Highest Good”. Breathe deeply.

Of course the denser emotions may take time to release and clear. This is where energy healing techniques can really support you to more easily and quickly release.

Step 3. Intention to Connect through Mutual Love

Again, it is important to start with the intention to connect to your loved one from Love rather than fear and pain. It is a conscious choice. Like the belief I had uncovered that if I didn’t feel the sadness of losing my dog Suki I wouldn’t feel her at all anymore.

Old Belief: Sadness and aching heart are more tangible and real than love.
New Belief: I choose to connect to my beloved through LOVE. Period.

Summary—Choose Expansion

Many who are grieving have shut down the feeling center of the heart, as it is so tender and overwhelmed with painful emotions. It may be necessary to allow yourself to feel again if this is the case. You will eventually get to the other side of the torrent of emotions and be able to feel other lighter, finer vibrations of love and spiritual connection.

Emotion is energy in motion. You do not have to hold onto these heavier feelings; they will eventually flow through you. If needed, repeat Step 1 and 2 to come back into the Present and continue releasing.

While you may not notice any change immediately, these exercises will set the stage for rewiring you to the new experience of connecting through your mutual and everlasting love and desire for expansion. An animal or person in spirit form is an expansion of consciousness while pain is a form of contraction. Now that you are aware, choose expansion. You won’t regret it!